It took me an extra hour to gather my courage to park the car in the garage. I sat within it for another twenty minutes just gathering my thoughts, making myself away that I will not be a coward any longer.

Now as I walk up the stairs to our suite I’m hit by the need to run like crazy. Still I know I can no longer put this off and straighten my shoulders. Dusk has long since given way to night and I pause before my door.

Reaching out I push it open and slip inside. Despite the late hour she is sitting up in bed reading and I grind my teeth together. I do not recall the last time that we had a night of wild sex. I’ve slept beside her for so very long that I’ve forgotten what it means to have sex.

“How did it go?”

“It went.” I know the words are little answer but how can I explain what happened. How do you tell the woman you’ve known for years, the woman you’ve fucked, fought with and beside that you don’t love her anymore?

I don’t know when it happened. Maybe it was when I woke up one night to the softest of sounds from the room up the hall. Perhaps it was when I saw him looking at her, saw more than just the brotherly affection everyone has believed he felt for so long. Maybe it was the day that I caught them out by the lake.

I stood in the shadows and watched them. Watched him holding her tightly, their bodies pressed together on the plaid blanket spread out beneath the canopy of branches. It could have been in the gentle caresses, the deep, passionate kisses. Maybe it was the way he always was so careful with her.

I don’t know. I just know I can’t live like this. I can’t want another and lie next to her. I can’t feel something that’s died, can’t breath life into dust. I don’t even want to try.

“Are you coming to bed? Should I turn out the light?”

“No.” I move across the room to settle in a chair across from her. “I can’t do this anymore.”

The whisper is choked out of me past a throat that’s tight with pain. “I can’t be what you want anymore. I need more.”

She looks up at me and I watch as she takes off her glasses slowly. I see the pain in her gaze along with the knowledge of what I mean. “Do you love her?”

“This isn’t about another woman. This is about living with a ghost.” It’s not much, but it’s all I can offer for an explanation.

“I don’t want to give up on us.”

“There is no us, not anymore. We’ve been dead for a long time. Let us go, give us freedom.”

The silence is so loud it’s deafening as I stand. I walk to the door and pull it open, hoping, praying that she’ll see I’m right. Knowing that she has no intention of getting go of what she wants so easily.

“I’ll pack up your things tomorrow. Where do I send them?”

“The boat house for now.” I say and step out into the hallway. I close the door softly and glanced up into hazel eyes.

“You’re up late.”

There is no derision in the words, no posturing, no hint at anything and it irks me. “I’m not a child with a cerfew.”

“No you aren’t.” A slow smile and he moves off to his room. I catch a flash of pale flesh as the door opens and the soft whisper of words of love before the door clicks shut. “Night.”

“Goodnight.” I stand in the shadowy hallway a long time before I move to the stairwell. With each step a weight seems to be lifted from me until I’m standing in the silent foyer, a slow grin crossing my face.

“Oh, I uh didn’t realize anyone was up.”

I turn to stare into the familiar brown eyes I’ve come to trust. “Just a few instructors.”

“Oh. Goodnight then Mr. Summers.”

I watch Kitty dart up the stairs and chuckle. Even now, married with two kids she still acts like a schoolgirl with a crush. I shake my head and move into the den. The plan is to crash on the couch tonight then I’m moving out. I’m gonna try to live a life without the weight of a thousand ghosts! For the first time in years I actually feel weightless as I stretch out on the leather.

“I didn’t want to say it but I had no choice.” I whisper before closing my eyes and sliding into the first night of sleep free in a long time.