Welcome... to the untamed and natural beauty of the wilds of Westchester.

#Camera pans over the glory of Xavier's school bathed in the early morning sunlight#

Now, it's important to be quiet because we've entered the un-natural habitat of what is commonly known as the lesser-spotted 'Canadian Wolverine'. Primarily a loaner, this particular Wolverine is interesting because he has chosen to stay with a pack, in a den he refers to as 'the mansion'.

#Camera zooms through open second floor window#

Now, (*speaks in hushed tones*)...as you can see, if we manage to get close enough, the Wolverine is currently grooming himself. This may look like an unimportant activity, although note the way he uses the gel to form plumes, or 'spikes' in his hair. These add much needed stature and also an individual style. This is his way of presenting a fearsome image. The more fearsome, the more able he is to defend a mate; vital when attracting those of the opposite sex. Therefore this grooming, along with the careful trimming of the mutton-chops, has become an essential part of the Wolverine's morning ritual.

Now, if you notice, this particular Wolverine's fur is fairly patchy. He compensates for this by the use of 'clothes'. These may vary with the season and the situation, but are generally used to provide protection from the elements...and the air of the dramatic when they are ripped off and/or disintegrated in a timely fashion.

To complete this image he will finish with an ornament, or a 'belt', as he will often refer to it. Note the rather large size of the buckle. This is very important; it sends out a subliminal message to all females of a mating age; the bigger the buckle, the more generously endowed they will find the male to be. This particular Wolverine's belt buckle is definitely larger than average, therefore marking him as an alpha male.

#Cuts to hallway cam#

Only once the Wolverine is content with his appearance, will he leave his personal den. This is when he will most likely hunt or prowl; the former for food, the latter for courtship.

Others in the pack are already courting. When they parade this in front of the Wolverine, this makes him angry; an emotion made obvious by a tense hunching of the shoulders and the low warning growl. Noticing the generous size of the belt buckle, these lesser pack members soon recognise the Wolverine's status as an alpha and they scurry quickly away, but the damage is already done. Dangerous at the best of time, the Wolverine can be lethal when crossed.

However today, as luck would have it, the Wolverine, along with the pack's other alpha male, easily spotted by the distinctive 'band' over his eyes, have a different purpose. They will be demonstrating fighting techniques to the pups. While this is an essential activity for all packs to ensure continued survival, today's demonstration is also attended by the females, thus giving the two alpha males a chance to show off their prowess in what is, essentially, a non life-threatening situation.

As our Wolverine nears the designated fighting area, he becomes focused on his goal; ostentatiously to teach the young, but primarily to attract a mate. A few rolls of his well muscled shoulders, and he has limbered up. The games are to begin.

#Cuts to hidden danger room spy camera#

(*whispering*) Now, this is where it gets exciting. These engaging females are so inquisitive, that he only has to walk in the room for their attention to be gained. This pleases him, an emotion indicated through the raising of the left eyebrow.

To persuade these females to stop and admire his physique, he takes off his shirt before proceeding to circle the other alpha, quickly moving on to a dramatic performance of the most complex series of moves... or 'mating display'...he can manage. Notice the energy with which he jump-kicks, the agility with which he turns to take on his opponent as they 'mock fight' each other.

He also, in an attempt to out perform his rival, includes vocalisations and 'sounds' into his routine. Notice the frequency of the words 'pansy' and 'bub'.

When this ritual is completed, both alphas bathe, although I stress that this is not with each other. Then they join the rest of the pack for a feast at the watering hole known as the 'cafeteria.'

The key question now, of course, is did our Wolverine impress any females with his earlier display, and how can he distinguish between a mate that is interested in him, and one that is not?

Take, for example, the blue furred male. The Wolverine is able to assess by scent alone that he does not want to mate. The blue male makes it clear that he is not a rival, therefore he is pack. This is cemented between the two by a gruff greeting and a friendly scowl.

Now this particular Wolverine already has a mate in mind. What usually happens at this stage is that after demonstrating his prowess, the Wolverine is able to approach his chosen female, and if she is suitably impressed, the pair seal their interest with a vocal comment, and, if the female is lucky, a kiss.

However, this particular Wolverine's mate is playing hard to get. Notice her almost 'shy' glances, look at the body language. She's saying clearly that's she's interested in him, but she is waiting for him to make the first move. When this does not happen, and, as in this case, when the Wolverine is distracted by another dominant female, the one with the russet colouring usually paired with the other alpha... the Wolverine's chosen mate feigns offence, and walks away.

Now you may think, those of you that are sitting at home observing all this drama, that he has made a grievous mistake! But the truth is far from it. This is when the Wolverine comes alive. He lives for the chase.

Note the focusing of the eyes, the thin press of the lips, the flair of the nostrils. He is not happy that his chosen is playing him like this, and he plans to amend the situation.

Now, you might think that the immense crowd must make it difficult for the Wolverine to spot his chosen mate, but this is not so. The Wolverine can call to his mate through the use of his voice.

He demands that she pander to him, although when she steps close enough, he looks away, pretending not to be interested. He then stares blatantly at the posterior of the other alpha's mate. This is purely to test the bond between his chosen mate and himself.

Oh look, yes, yes, she has passed the test alright. With a range of facial expressions she informs the Wolverine her thoughts on that particular subject, and he pretends to acquiesce to her wishes, although of course, they were his wishes all along.

Instead of mating straight away, the Wolverine leads his chosen mate, distinguishable by the unusual markings in her hair, through the crowds. This is another test of the bond between them. He takes her to his own personal den, surreptitiously hiding his hair gel, before his mating dance is continued by the slow strip of his clothes, and, most importantly of course, his belt buckle.

Now, if we're lucky, we might just get to see the Wolverine at his most intimate. He can actually be quite tender. Notice the way he grooms his mate with his lips and hands. He also makes a low 'purring' sound, similar to the soft growl.

We must be careful here not to get too close. At times like these the Wolverine is at his most vulnerable, and will be very protective of...oh god. Too close! He's seen us! Run! Drop the camera, drop everything! Run! Dear God! Run for your lives! Gaaaaaaaaaa!!