"Jesus Logan, you scared me bursting in like that. Whatcha doing?"

Logan, panting heavily, ignored Rogue and continued pressing his back against the wall, one hand on the door handle, ready to escape should the need prove necessary. Not that he liked ignoring her, just that right now, it was a matter of priorities. One of those life and death situation...things...

"Logan?"

Oh fuck was that footsteps he could hear? The faint echo of...of...singing? Shit.

"LOGAN!?"

He looked up, startled. "Huh?"

"Ah said whatcha doing in mah room?"

Wasn't it obvious? "I'm baking fuckin' cookies kid, what does it look like I'm doin'?"

"It looks like you're hiding."

"Remind me to put you on observation duty next mission."

She rolled her eyes at that. "Don't be bitchy and sarcastic. It's not manly."

Who gave a fuck about manly? Right now he'd settle for getting out of the mansion still straight.

Oh it had seemed such a good idea at the time. He would blame Hank, only the doctor was laid up in the med-lab as a result of their serious drinking session last night. The drinking session that had given them the ingenious idea to knock their fearless leader down a peg or two by some much needed ritual humiliation.

If only they had known how it would turn out.

Never mix excessive alcohol consumption and an access to medical supplies, that was the valuable lesson learnt. Albeit far too late.

"This'll loosen him up a bit," Hank had said, giddily slopping liquid and chemicals about everywhere in the most un-Hank-like way ever. The two of them had got as far as the kitchen, where they successfully managed to spike Scott's late night cup of coffee, before Hank had passed out under the table.

If Logan was honest with himself, his healing factor had kicked in enough by then to give him a few moments clarity and the beginnings of doubt. But then it hadn't been his fault he got distracted by Jubilee coming into the kitchen, putting her feet up on the new blue rug under the table, then shrieking the whole fuckin' mansion down when the aforementioned rug sighed, belched and rolled over.

By that time it was too late. Scott had arrived; coffee was drunk; chemicals were ingested, and havoc begun.

Now, seven hours later, things were still not looking up. Their fearless leader was high. He was horny. And Jean was out of town with the Professor.

It was not pretty. It was-

Fuckit! He was coming closer! He could hear the bastard mincing his way down the hallway.

"Is Scott after you again?" Rogue's big brown eyes were confused.

"You could say that, kid." Understatement of the fuckin' century.

"Again, stop with the sarcasm! Ah'm only asking a-"

"Shhh!" Logan clamped a hand over her mouth. "He'll hear you. Or more specifically, hear you talking to *me*."

Rogue pushed him away. Gave him a glare.

Great he thought; another thing to have to grovel about later. Although right now there were more pressing matters, like-

"Ohhh Loooggaaan?"

The disembodied voice travelled down the hallway to his ears, and he froze quicker than Bobby in liquid nitrogen.

Then Rogue's glare turned to a smirk. She folded her arms over that alarmingly ample chest of hers...when had *that* grown?... and he began to grow the sinking suspicion that she was about to get her revenge.

He shook his head avidly. "No! Don't you see, he'll-"

"He's in here Scott!" she called out with an air of smug satisfaction.

Fuck.

He didn't have time to think. He didn't even have time to run. Scott burst in, gave him a sultry pout, and said, "Are you hiding from me?"

Fuck yeah.

Scott came closer. "Now why would you want to do a thing like that?"

"Cyke, you don't wanna do this..." he tried to reason.

"Whatever gave you that idea...?"

"You want Jeannie! Not me. Jeannie!"

"Wol-ver-iiiine," Scott practically purred, reaching out a finger and running it down Logan's chest... "don't you know that...I don't want," he began to sing, "annnybody else. When I think about you I touch myself...woaahh."

Oh that was not a pretty image.

"Listen... I can't... You can't... I mean... WOAH! For CHRISAKES Scooter! Would ya not touch me THERE? Jesus!" Oh God he was going to be mentally scared for life.

"What's the matter," pouted Scott. "Is the big bad Wolverine scared of a *real* man?"

"Look... It's nothin' personal. I know I'm attractive an' all...But, I'm...I'm..." he looked at Rogue... "already taken! HA! Yeah. That's why. I'm havin' a steamy affair with Rogue here."

Rogue looked up, puzzled. "You are? First I've heard ab-"

The rest was muffled by his hand. So what if her eyes were going a little wide and she looked like she was about to shoot daggers... Right now she was the lesser of the two evils. Lethal skin causing certain death? Or being hit on by Scott.

Easy choice.

Scott folded his arms. He took a moment. Then said, "Are you having an affair with a student Logan?"

Oh God. He's forgotten about that part. "Uh....Yes?... No...Yes!...I mean...no... oh fuck it."

"You're lying to me aren't you?"

Jesus he was really beginning to sweat here. "Lie... heh heh...Would I, Cyke?"

"You're saying it to make me jealous."

Was it his imagination or did Rogue just choke.

"You're just teasing me. You know it'll make me want you more."

Right. He was officially one more comment away from clawing his way through the floor to escape, and hiding under a rock for the next ...say...ten hundred years or so.

Scott advanced on him again, pressing closer until he was pinned back against the wall.

"Scooter..." he held up his hands to try to reason with him, but Scott's reflexes were too quick. He grabbed them and slammed them against the wall, either side of Logan's head.

Scott smiled. A wickedly slow spreading smile. "Does this make you nervous Logan?" Then he moved his head closer to whisper in his ear, his visor brushing the side of his mutton chops. "Or do you like it?"

Ok. That was enough. He'd had- Mmmpff!

Oh God. Oh Jesus. Oh...oh... fuck...and any one else who had holy connotations. The man just kissed him. The man just... Jesus. It was... fuck! Was he kissing him back? It was disarmingly hard to think with Scott's tongue in his mouth... and that was a thought he'd *never* thought he'd have. Ever.

His hands had broken free of Scott's grip, and they meant to push him away. Really they did... so why weren't they? Why the hell were they fisted in his hair...? God. And why did he feel like...like...?

Fuck.

When Scott finally pulled away, Logan was staring at him wide eyed and panting.

Then Scott grinned.

Then the grin turned into a laugh. A full on, tears-streaming laugh that had him bent double, holding his knees, trying to stay upright. "Jesus you should see your face Logan."

...Huh?

"Teach you to try and play a practical joke on me."

Again... Huh?

"I didn't drink your ‘coffee', I heard you and Hank planning the whole thing. Thought I'd teach you a little lesson."

Seriously. Still on the...Huh?

Nope. Wait. Hang on. He was gonna manage to form some words here. "But... you... with the...you didn't?... I... but... *Huh*?" Yeah he wasn't doing very well so far.

"Let's put it this way," said Scott. "You're not going to try and spike my drink again in a hurry, are you?" And with his smirk still on his face, he strode out of the room, whistling.

...Leaving Logan almost passed out against the wall, and Rogue looking on in post man-smut state of shock.

Out of the two of them, she was the first to regain her composure. For a moment her face softened, and he thought he might get some much needed sympathy... but then she folded her arms, lifted her chin a little. Not good.

"So. You an' me sugar?" she said. "We're havin' an affair? And then you go and kiss another man? Ah don't think so!" And with that she slapped him round the face, gave a swish of her hair, and strode out after Scott.

Logan blinked. Tried not to do something completely unmanly, like pass out. God, his knees felt shaky.

What the hell had just happened?

"You see?" he told the wall in a feeble croak, it appeared to be the only thing that was going to listen to him today. "*This* is why I don't stick around!" Then he slid his back down it till he had collapsed on the floor, and wondered if he could beg the Weapon X programme to take him back.

Anything was better than this.

Anything.