Dream of her. Dream of sliding your hands over her skin and making love to her and kissing her lips because these are things you can only do in dreams. Her mutation--like yours--has made her an outcast. She was alone and you were alone and then you were together. Believe that this makes you kindred spirits. Believe that when you go home she will be waiting.

Excitement courses through you. Marvel at the feeling because it is foreign. Be excited to begin your journey. Be excited to see her again. Do not stop when you are tired. Do not eat when you are hungry or drink when you are thirsty. Do not fight when your muscles ache for release. Keep going. Fast as you can.

Get home at night, so only she will share your first moments there. Walk the motorcycle up the driveway. Stay quiet, like the hunter you are.

Let the unnatural silence unnerve you. Follow the screaming of your instincts and call out into the darkness Is anyone here? No answer but listen and hear the stomping of angry boots. Find the sound. The white-haired storm goddess is standing in front of the fireplace in the common room. Her feet are punishing the floor. Ask her what the hell she's doing. She will look at you and you will step back. She is crying. Walk closer and see that the floor is littered with the pulp of hundreds of red roses. She has been smashing the flowers, grinding their flesh into the soft wood flooring. Ask her what the hell is going on.

Blink and swear when a light flips on. Watch Ororo wipe her eyes and stare at Scott and Jean as they walk in. The Professor enters after them. He is pale and ghost-like. Repeat your question. What the hell is going on? Let yourself be afraid. Let yourself tense for a fight. Realize that she is not among them.

Listen as Jean tries to explain what happened. She is as careful as her profession. Listen and let yourself sink to the ground as your hands cover your face, then your chest where your heart is breaking. Ororo will set a hand on your arm. Listen to Jean cry. Listen to the sound of Scott's hands on her shoulders and in her hair.

Now let yourself be angry. Feel your rage. Break expensive vases, tear upholstery, rip paintings, curse, scream, blame yourself, ask them all why. Do all of this but do not cry. Leave the room. Walk up the stairs to nowhere. Scott says to use your old bedroom. Think it is odd that they still think of it as yours.

When you enter the room, notice that nothing has changed. You can smell yourself in here. You can smell her from when she came into your room the night before you left and asked you to hold her.

Do not remember how she felt in your arms. Lay down and do not undress, do not pull down the covers of your bed. Do not dream. Nightmare.

Even though you will want to leave, stay. This is the only place she will ever be for you. You can smell her on the pillow you took from her room. On the scarf she wore around her neck with the metal dog tags they gave back to you. Wear the dog tags under your shirt--that is understandable. Keep the rest hidden, in a drawer, under your bed. Do not let them know how much you hurt.

You smell her blood one day as you pass her room. Wonder why you never caught that scent before. Remember the roses ground into the floor downstairs. Go there and touch the place where Ororo's feet were so angry. You can smell the faint red rose perfume on your fingers. It is still locked in the grain of the wood.

She is still locked in your memory.

Let two years pass. See her coming out of every store when you go into the city. Avoid Ororo because of her hair. Avoid Jean because she can see in your head without even trying. Avoid Scott because he has Jean.

Watch her friends and how they grieve. Bobby hugs Kitty and Kitty hugs Bobby and Jubilee cries behind her sunglasses, wearing yellow to brighten her depression. Wonder if she will be next.

Keep thinking of her and the letter she wrote to everyone. She loved you. Do not forget that.

Another two years. Begin to dream again. Take the pillow and scarf out less often. Fight, fight, fight for the world that hates you. Hate it back. But do not tell anyone.

More years and you need to look for brown-haired women. Find the ones who will let you pretend that they are someone else. There will be one who says she loves you. Believe her but tell her that you do not love her back. Tell her you cannot. Do not tell her why. Tell her to get on with her life.

Read her letter that you keep with you and finger the tags around your neck.

The Professor will pass away and you will watch your friends age. Watch their children grow up. See the gray that is beginning to creep in to the hair around your face. Watch your friends age.

Accept the offer of leadership. Keep your team tight. Make them work. They hate you and respect you. They love you and pity you.

You are growing tired of your life because it has been so long. And you have been so lonely. Watch the teammates you met as children grow up, watch them love each other and begin families. Be jealous but be happy for them anyway. Remember her. Do not think of what might have been.

When you can, sit alone for most of your day. Lay your head on her pillow and be unsure of how you will end.