He saved my life today - again. I know I should feel grateful and all, but I don't. Part of me knew what I was doing. When Scott gave the call for six minutes, I knew that the detonator wasn't going to wait for me. But I stayed behind, I was hurt of course, but I could have hustled my ass out of there in time. Instead, I got into a one on one with a Sentinel.

What I didn't expect was Wolverine to come up behind me. In a single swift movement he threw me down with his bodyweight. The Sentinel was partly disabled, but still had deadly accuracy. We were crouching behind a wall, and it was approaching fast. Wolverine had me by the arm and was shaking me, yelling something I couldn't hear above the roar of a nearby explosion. The entire mountainside was going to cave in and we still had time, only I didn't want to leave. Resigning myself to my fate, I yanked my arm from his grasp. Sprawled out on the floor, I cursed at him, told him to leave me alone.

Above the roar, a booming yet calm female voice announced three minutes to detonation. There was a strange fury in Wolverine's eyes and for a second I thought he was going to cry. Instead he hit me with a left hook. Amid a rumbling mountain, falling debris and black smoke, I slipped into unconsciousness.

---

I came to in the jet, Jean was tending to my bruises with latex gloves, but ironically hers seemed much worse. I waved her hand away from my face and stumbled unto my feet. "Where is he!" was all I could spit out. I was seething and everyone knew it. Wolverine was in the furthest seat in the corner, with his arms crossed over his chest. Most of the leather uniform across his torso was gone, it was only later that it occurred to me that he took a direct hit, trying to drag me out of that godforsaken place. But at the time nothing mattered, ignoring the ache in my face, I lunged at him. With little time to react, I caught Wolverine in the gut. He bent forward and howled, instinctively unsheathing his claws. I smiled when I saw them and moved forward again.

What I hadn't noticed was that Storm had aimed a tranquilizer gun at me. She caught me square on the thigh and I keeled forward falling into Wolverine's arms. Against my will, I cried out in pain and squeezed my eyes shut. I refused to let them see my tears. But they must have seen them anyway, because the screaming and yelling from everyone had stopped. The only thing I heard as I passed out this time was my sobbing.

---

Familiar white ceilings and florescent lighting welcomed me back to the real world. I made a mental note to tell Beast to hang something nice up there since we all spent so much time waking up to it, when I heard the low hum of the Professor's hover-chair approach me.

"Welcome back Rogue, I heard you had quite the experience on this mission. Your teammates are all concerned for your well-being."

Unable to face the wise telepath, I sat up holding my head. "Ah'm fine Professah. Just some bruises."

"That is not what I meant Rogue, your behavior is becoming erratic once again and think we should talk about it."

Staring at my covered hands, my heart turned over in my chest. There were few things that really bothered my and disappointing the one person who had treated me better than anyone ever had, was high on that list. Instantly wishing to take it all back, I pleaded, "Professah, Ah was having ah lousy day, mah anger got out of control, Ah promise that Ah'm okay."

Hating the way I sounded when I whined, I continued to look down at my hands.

"I hope so, we cannot afford to have you self-destructing again, I know that it is hard to always keep your emotions in check, but you must still be cautious. I care for you deeply, and know that the others do to."

At his admission, I looked up. It always worked. More than being whiney, I hated being needy, but with the Professor I practically did backwards flips for a few words of acceptance. It's stupid I know, but I believe him and so it makes things better.

"We'll meet on Thursday as usual Rogue and remember, things are never as bad as they seem."

---

I nodded in agreement and watched him leave. Taking a few minutes to gather my thoughts, I left to my room wearing only the thin white gown I woke up in. It was dangerous I know, but I was sure the whole school knew about my little display in the jet by now and I wanted to get to my room without any questions. After living at the mansion for five years, I knew exactly how to keep people at bay. All I had to do was flash a little skin.

Like predicted, the masses parted before me in a hush. By now I was used to the staring so I thought little of it. I was content that I had made it to my door, when Logan cleared his throat behind me. Shit, just what I needed. Without turning around, I asked in a low throaty voice that did little to hide my animosity.

"What do yah want Logan?" I turned the knob and walked in, stopping only to take out a fresh change of clothes from my bureau.

His heavy footsteps followed mine, and I heard the door slam behind him. "What the fuck was that in the lair? You fucking have a death wish Marie?"

At the mention of my name I spun around, "Yah have no raght ta call meh that Logan, no raght!" My voice was breaking and I knew that was the reaction he wanted.

"I'll call you whatever the fuck I want KID, you ever try that shit again and I'll …" It was his turn to look flustered.

"And what?, what will yah do Logan?" I had dropped the clothes I was holding to the floor and was getting dangerously close to him. I thought he was going to step back, but he didn't. I'll give him credit for that. I wasn't the only hard-ass around. That made me angry again. Everyone was afraid of me. He should be too.

"Well? Are yah gonna stab meh through tha chest with them claws, ignore meh completely, or run away for ah few years, or maybeh tell meh yah love meh then find someone else ta fuck."

Damn. I said it. For years I told myself, I would never bring it up again, but I did. For an endless moment we stared at each other. Cursing myself for the slip up, I opened my mouth to apologize, but nothing came out. An old argument arose in my head, I didn't need to apologize, he did. But I had brought it up and we had promised a long time ago that it was never to be mentioned again. My heart sank at his reaction. He stood there, holding his breath, and for the third time in my life I thought he was going to cry. Instead he let out a long sigh and left, slamming the door hard behind him. I myself couldn't stand any longer, so I slid down to the floor where I cried until I fell asleep.

---

I woke up sometime late that night, dreaming of people walking tiredly through the mud. Needing to leave the confines of my room, I cleaned up, changed and went to the only place I could think of. It was locked as always, but I took the key I had with me and entered quietly. Being 'Rogue', I was given privileges no one else had. I guess it was because Scott and the others pitied me in some way. Poor little Rogue, so sad. I could just image them saying it, but I didn't care anymore. I flew in, dropped my towel and plunged into the warm water.

---

Swimming in the pool house at night was probably the reason I stayed at the Mansion all these years. It was Olympic sized, heated and had three diving boards. When I was young, I would love to go swimming in the local lakes of Mississippi. It is the thing I remember most about home. Later, after the shit hit the fan, I left with few regrets, one of them knowing that I could never swim in those lakes again. When Storm and Scott found me and brought me here, I felt that I didn't belong in this beautiful Mansion at all. Everyone was nice and caring, and still are, but nothing here felt familiar.

The night Logan left, I didn't sleep a wink. I had packed up my few belongings and decided to look through the Mansion one last time. In retrospect, I might have been looking for a reason to stay, but either way I found it. It's clear turquoise waters called to me, so I tore off my clothes and dove in. I cried a lot that night. I cried for myself, I cried for my mother, the lakes I would never see again, the months I had been alone on the run, and of course, I cried for Logan. It was therapeutic in a way, letting my tears mingle with the warm water, but it was the last time I cried in a long time. The next time I cried was the night Logan returned to break my heart, the third time was today. No wonder everyone freaked out when they saw me sobbing earlier in the jet.

---

Gently and slowly, I backstroked back and forth through the pool. I had gotten quite banged-up on the last mission, so my body ached at the exercise. But the ache was good. It was the sort of pain that came with a hard day's work. Unfortunately, I hadn't done what I had to. It was funny really, going down in a blaze of glory. Only in movies was it really glorious. In real life it was battle was sweaty and gritty. Yes, I had gotten myself almost flattened by a Sentinel today, but it was Logan, Logan who had interrupted. Suddenly unable to keep my steady backwards rhythm, I straightened out my body and waded to the edge.

Damn him. He was always doing something like that. For a split second it seems as if he actually cared. I mean he did care, but I know that it was all comradery and what not. He would do the same for anyone on the team. Even Scott. Chuckling a little, I heaved myself unto the edge of the pool and left my legs to dangle in the water.

---

"What's so fucking funny?"

She turned and looked right at me with her mouth hanging open. At a loss for words, she snapped it shut again and stood. Her body was breathtaking in a red two-piece and I knew she knew that I was starring. Crossing her arms at her chest she shifted uncomfortably,

"Ah come heah ta beh alone, please leave." She was going for bitchy, but it came out weak.

I had just come back from a ride on my motorcycle when I had noticed her walking through the back gardens wearing nothing but a towel. Needless to say, I was curious, so I followed her to the pool house. I knew that she went swimming at least a few nights a week because I could smell the faint chlorine in her hair the next day. It was one of those 'everybody knew, but nobody talked about' situations. But the thought of seeing her half naked always kept me away.

She had snuck in and started swimming slowly. For over an hour, I watched her from behind the shadows. Watched as she swam and cried, cried and swam, in the pale moonlight that filtered in. I knew she was sorry. Sorry for what she had said earlier in her room, but she wasn't the one that should be sorry. It was me. I loved her, have loved her since the day I first saw her. But I was fucked up. Old and used, I was and still am broken. I wanted to tell her a long time ago, but I couldn't. So here I am, annoying and upsetting her - like always.

---

"No." My simple answer infuriated her and she dropped her fists to her side. She turned in a huff and was about to walk away when I stepped forward from where I was leaning and grabbed her by the shoulders. I was still wearing my leather jacket and gloves so I was protected from her touch, what I had no protection from was her incredible strength. In one movement she shrugged her shoulders and launched me into the pool. I matched her speed however, and scooped her up at the waist, bringing her down with me.

We landed in an unceremonious splash. Terror in her eyes, Rogue pushed away from me and backed up against the edge. It was clear to me, right there and then that yes, she did care.

"Ahre, yah crazy? Ah could have touched yohr face!"

Ginning like a maniac, I answered, "So you do care."

Rolling her eyes, she turned to heave herself out of the pool again, "Marie, wait," knowing that she always responded to her real name, I continued, "I can't swim Marie, my metal skeleton is too fucking heavy."

Turning to face me, I could tell she was debating whether or not to let me drown. Good to know tough-as-nails-Rogue was still there "Ah should let yah drown and beh done with yah for good."

"Than who else will keep you from your little suicidal tendencies?" Ouch.

Catching her off-guard I watched her eyes tear up again. Knowing how she felt about crying, I was surprised to see the tears actually roll down her face.

After what seemed like an eternity, she answered in a timid voice, "Ah'm not suicidal." I was desperately trying to stay afloat, even kicking my boots off, but it was a losing battle.

"The hell you're not. What the fuck where thinking back there." Taking off my jacket too, I pointed straight at her, "You knew we were out of time, and you didn't fall back."

Wondering what my healing factor would do against drowning, I tried to paddle but was quickly going under. It was a relief to finally feel Rogue's arms circle my waist from behind and drag me back to the surface. Holding on to the edge, I sputtered the water out of my lungs, grinning. "Thought you were going to let me drown Marie."

"Why do yah insist on calling meh that?" Her voice was still small, but she wasn't even out of breath.

"Because that is the girl I met up in Canada a long time ago." Realizing I had hit yet another nerve, I watched her inch backwards.

"Yoah hell bent on hurting meh aren't yah."

It was hard seeing Rogue so timid. Dammit no matter what I say, it ends up fucked. I closed the gap between us, noticing her eyes darting nervously on my face. She was more than concerned about killing me. She did care. Not wanting to loose the opportunity like I have a thousand times before, I moved in closer, holding onto the edge tightly with heavy, gloved fingers.

"It seems like that's all we ever do." I looked levelly into her eyes, wanting to reach over and touch her face, but not daring. Self-control around this woman has become a way of life for me.

"No, you saved my life yesterday." She was looking at a spot on my shoulder, not wanting to face me. Sensing she had more to say, I let the silence between us grow. When she finally did speak, it was my turn to avoid her gaze. "Ah'm tired Logan, Ah'm tired of hating yah, Ah'm tired of hating mahself. Ah just , just..."

Knowing exactly what she meant, I decided to abandon my restraint. I reached to her and pulled her against my body. I was surprised at how easy it felt. It was something that I had thought about often but never dared try. Crying softly, she damn near killed me by holding on for a long time. Her body against mine was torture. Especially wet and wearing next to nothing. At a loss for what to say, I just held on too.

"Do yah realize, tha last tahm yah held meh like this was on top of tha Statue of Liberty."

Wrinkling my forehead at the memory, I held her white streaks in my hand, "The day you got these."

As if suddenly waking up, Rogue looked up at my face and at my fingers holding her hair. I let them go even if all I wanted to do was touch her more. Despite the ugly bruise that I gave her on her left cheek, she was so damn beautiful. But her eyes turned hard and were full of remembrance again in no time.

Swallowing hard and realizing what she was up against, literally, Rogue wiped at her face and finally left. Wrapping herself in her towel she ran into the darkness outside. I wanted to go after her so badly, but like I said, I had great self-control. I was an ass to think that it could all be undone and taken back so easily. We had hurt each other badly, but as I heaved my heavy body out of the water and sat like she had with my feet dangling over the edge, my mind wrapped around what I had just witnessed.

She still cared. After all these years she still cared, maybe even loved me. Amazed that I hadn't thought of it before, my mind reeled from the revelation. Feeling better than I had in a long time, I dragged my soaking ass back to the Mansion. It couldn't all be undone in one night. But damned if I didn't at least try. I was tired of pining away for her, stalking her, watching her with Remy, Bobby, Peter, and whatever other asshole pretty boy rubbed up against her. Not to mention all the ones she was with. All because I didn't know how to tell a girl that I loved her four years ago. I was so scared, and so we had both twisted into unhappy and bitter people. I now realize it was because we still cared. If not, why would we both still be here? I was tired of drowning in my own self-pity, and for once I was going to do something about it.

---

Unbelievably angry, I sat under my shower and let the scalding water take away the faint smell of chlorine. How dare he. Everyone understood that the pool house was mine at night. It was bad enough I had to see him in every meeting, every mission, almost every damn day, but to find him there was overstepping limits. And for what, to rehash the past again? To accuse me of being suicidal? He had nerve.

He doesn't know me. He must have forgotten it's the other way around. I know him. The great Wolverine. To me he's a coward. For all his bravado, he was scared of me. Scared to tell me he didn't love me so he fucked around, made sure I found out and broke my heart. I was so in love with him. For over a year, I waited for him to come back, to tell him. What a joke! He screwed everyone he could find, making sure I heard about it one way or another.

So I did the only thing I could, I stopped caring. Despite my poisonous skin, I found plenty of guys willing to risk a coma for some casual sex. I went out almost every night, looking for someone to help me forget him. It had to be creative, but at least it hurt Logan. I knew it did, because he left soon afterwards.

So I succeeded in running him off again. Broken, I finished school, joined the X-men, and saw the Professor twice a week. I had friends, but they were all secretly terrified of me. I fought hard and mercilessly with my new powers and no one knew quite what to think. The Professor was the only person not afraid of me and so he's the only one I ever really spoke to. A year had passed and I was slowly putting my life in order, when Logan showed up again. But things were different, because I was different. I learned what Logan had known for an eternity, when unsure of yourself, hide it with anger.

So for the last two years, we've managed to work together and avoid each other completely. It's not like we don't know the other's around, a room practically crackles with tension when we're both in it. Thankfully, neither of us went around bedding half of Westchester County anymore. I guess somethings hurt too much. On more than a few occasions we've even worked alone, but all without a single meaningful exchange. That is until yesterday.

I don't know why I wanted to stay behind, but I did. Like I told Logan, I am just tired of it all. Tired of being angry and tired of being hurt. To the rest of the team, I guess I was acting normal, whatever that was. I am not sure if the Professor knew what I was up to, but somehow Logan knew.

Unable to tolerate the memory of Logan holding me in warm water just moments ago, I turned off the shower and got dressed. I tried hard not to think of him, but it was too late. When he confronted me in the pool house, he practically told me he knew that I wanted to die. Logan must have noticed me acting differently or something. After all, he went back for me after Scott gave the order to retreat.

That is why he had that look on his face. I've only seen it three times: when a shy girl confessed she loved him, when I told him to leave me behind at the lair, and when I confronted him earlier. Shit. More confused than ever, I got dressed and went down to breakfast with a slight headache. A thought kept nagging at my head, Logan still had feelings for me.

---

I took my plate and went to sit at my usual table by the window. The dinning hall was practically empty since it was still before seven on a Saturday and I was grateful to eat in peace. Swallowing three aspirin with my orange juice, I looked up to see Logan walking over with his food. Shit. Stopping in mid chew I eyed him suspiciously as he plopped down in front of me.

"Morning, sunshine."

Unaccustomed to seeing him before lunch, it took me a while to recover. "How tha hell ahre yah up so early."

Logan shrugged his shoulders non-commitantly and continued to ingest an insane amount of bacon. "I went swimming earlier."

I had been praying that he not mention last night, so when he did, I wanted to impale him with my fork.

"Ahsshole!"

The two cooks and three students in the dining hall looked up at my outburst and Logan smiled. They must have figured that between Logan and me such a word could be a term of endearment, because they quickly went back to what they were doing without a second thought.

I moved my chair back ready to leave when I felt his hand on my gloved one. "Don't go." He said it with complete and simple honesty. Shocked and a little scared, I sat back down stiffly.

"You should eat, it's getting cold."

Looking down at my breakfast, I grabbed a piece of toast and nibbled on it. I had lost my appetite. This entire scene was just too weird. I had never been this casual with Logan and the last few minutes had been unnerving to say the least.

Finally finishing, Logan looked up and leaned back in his chair. Motioning to my catsuit and sweatshirt, he asked, "Are you going to workout . . . Marie."

Immediately I looked up. Shit, I gotta stop doing that.

"Maybeh." Looking over at his face, it dawned on me how much he was enjoying this odd exchange.

"Well if you are, I could keep you company, spar maybe." Crossing his muscled arms over his chest purposefully, Logan waited for a response. He knew I couldn't refuse a challenge that subtle. I still owed him a good one for the bruise on my face. It was a damn shame he healed so quick.

Trying my hardest to look indifferent, I mumbled a 'whatever' and headed for the training room. To my surprise, he followed.

Like the dining room, the workout suite was deserted. True to my name, I knew how to avoid crowds at all times. I entered cautiously and began to stretch, while keeping an eye on what Logan was doing. Said eyes almost bugged out when he took off his T-shirt and slowly cracked the bones in his neck.

For a brief second it dawned on me that he was doing it all on purpose. Not sure why, but it reeked of a plan. Why now? Why here? Maybe after I blubbered all over him in the pool, he felt he could get somewhere, well he had something else coming. Annoyed beyond belief that he insisted on trailing me and was now obviously trying to seduce me, I decided that I too could play this game. Peeling off my sweatshirt, I stood only in my full-bodysuit.

"So what exactly did yah have in mind, Logan."

Turning around, I could see it took him a minute to think of a suitable answer. "Umm, how about judo."

"Fine." Walking slowly over to the arena mat, I moved through my warm-up routine and waited for him to join me. Two can play this game, so let the games begin.

---

Walking over to the arena mat, I rethought my strategy. It was a simple plan: follow her and make her see. It was so simple I couldn't possibly fuck it up. So I spared with her that morning despite the fact that she kept brushing up against me in all kinds of ways. When I showed up the next day, she did the same thing. On the third day, she looked defeated. By the second week, she was waiting for me.

It became a routine for us, we ate breakfast, worked-out, then she would work in the library and I would work on a car or something. We would go for lunch out back in the gardens or on the roof, and meet up again for dinner. Sometimes we would watch a movie in the evenings, or play pool in some bar. When things got bad, we would don the leather and kick ass together also. Between her and me no asshole stood a chance.

Months went by and I began to feel that Marie was happy. Hell, I was too. I would keep her company every day, until I was sure she would tell me to leave her alone, except she never did. We became a fixture around the Mansion, always holding hands and talking. We spoke for hours about anything and everything. Everything that is, except what happened between us when I came back the first time. That, I decided, would be something she would bring up when ready. I'm sure given our reputations, everyone thought we were screwing around like rabbits, but we weren't. I admit it took a lot of effort to not reach out and touch her sometimes, but I knew from the beginning that it would take time.

---

Tonight we went out to watch a movie. It was some cheesy chick flick, but I was happy to just go along, even if Marie elbowed me hard when I started snoring. But leaving the theater, I knew that something was on her mind. We walked quietly to her new truck, holding hands. Usually we took my bike, but the snow was a reminder that Marie wasn't invincible to the weather like I was. Turning the ignition, she blasted on the heater and looked over, offering me a wide smile, her cheeks were as red as her lips.

"Remember the first time we were in a truck."

"Course Ah remember yah almost left mah ahss stranded on tha road, yah jerk." Frowning slightly she punched me on the arm.

I snorted, rubbing the spot she just touched. "Easy with the merchandise, darling." Healing factors came in real handy with my girl.

She laughed brightly and turned on the radio, while I took out a cigar. Rolling down the window slightly, I smoked while she drove. She usually sang along to the music. She was an awful singer, I knew it, she knew it, fuck, everybody knew it, but it was one of those things I tolerated graciously. Just like how she put up with my smoking. It had taken months, but we had reached a good, comfortable place. We knew each other well, respected one another, and I think finally forgave one another for all the bullshit that we put ourselves through before.

By the time we reached the Mansion, Rogue was completely mute. Hugging her from behind, I whispered into her hair, "Going swimming tonight, babe?"

Rogue nodded in agreement. Looking uncharacteristically nervous, she chose her words carefully, "Logan, Ah was thinkin."

"That's dangerous."

"Listen to meh Lo-gan." She was cute when she was exasperated.

I was hanging up her jacket, but turned around to face her. I sat on the stairs and pulled her to sit on my lap facing me. And waited.

"Ah was thinkin if," she paused and swallowed hard, "yah would like, ta go swimming with meh?"

I was fingering her white streaks absently, but suddenly stopped to look right at her. Her eyes were wide and she wasn't breathing. I took me a minute to realize that I wasn't either.

I hadn't walked into the pool house since the night I confronted her (and almost drowned) over a year ago. Not knowing what to say I just planted a slow kiss on her shining white hair. She smiled and squeezed my gloved hand. She then got up and went up the stairs with me in tow.

Looking back she added, "Tha red one or tha black one?"

Looking over, I answered, "The red one."

I guess she was finally ready to forgive me, and I for one was looking forward to it.