So what? You're tellin' me I'm a fictional character? That I'm not real? *Snikt* Does THIS look real to you bub? Huh? Yeah I thought so.

...Although it would explain a few things. Like why, when I was just developin' all these warm and cosy feelin's for this girl, that suddenly I find myself paired with Red instead. I always wondered about that. I mean, she was with Cyke. Not that I mind stealin' Cyke's stuff. I admit, that was one of her main sellin' points. But she wasn't exactly what you'd call well balanced, y'know [points to head] up here. One minute I was loosin' myself in the eyes of Marie, the next I was supposed to act all Harlequin with the psycho – I mean what the fuck? Was that written into my contract or somethin'? Maybe I should get me an agent.

So, anyway, what was your first question?

~What were you thinking in that tent?~

Jeeze, jump right in there with the big one why doncha. I'm a bloke. What d'ya think I was thinkin'? Jeanie, pretty face, red hair - 8/10. Storm, y'know – not bad, if you tune out the times when she's speakin' – a good 7/10. Marie... well, the kid's somethin' special. But my thoughts were pure. Innocent like. Well, aside from the fact that the girl don't half have a decent rack on her. Seriously – you seen those puppies? Now that's what I'm talkin' about bub. Nice.

~What would you describe to be your most embarrassing moment?~

When I cried at the end of X1. Or maybe it was when I cried at the end of X2. No wait, actually, when I cried throughout most of X3... seriously – what's with that? I'm supposed to be rough an' manly! Cyke's the emo one. If you want cryin' – make him cry. Or push the little Iceprick under a bus or somethin'...y'know. I ain't doin' it no more!

~So, you realise you have quite the following these days-

[interrupts] I mean it! The Wolverine does not sob like a girl! What's with the falling to the knees shit?

~If I could just get back to the-

[interrupts again] I mean not even Kurt cries! It's just *wrong*...

~But you know, your fangirls don't mind~

And it's *really* NOT my scene to...I have fangirls?

~Many. In fact several of them have questions for you. If we could get around to them?~

Oh... Sure. Why not. Shoot...(heh heh – fangirls eh...?)

~Ok, our first couple are from Wolveriness: 'What do you look for in a woman?'~

Heh. A pulse.

~Okaaay. Let's try another. 'What is one good quality about each member of your team. And yes, that includes Cyke.'~

You serious? Including Cyke? The man's a dick. He has no...ok, ok... [Long pause] He has good choice in bikes. There. See? Ha! I thought of somethin'. The rest, they're not so hard. Hank, he's good in a fight. Jeanie? Her ass. 'Ro?...Ro, Ro, Ro...

~your boat?~

Huh?

~Sorry. Bad joke~

Whatever. Ro, she looks real snappy when she twirls round fast with her cape an' all that. Pete – heh – well he makes *me* look smart. Kurt...he's...uh...blue? Um... Bobby, walkin' beer chiller – always useful.

~How about Rogue?~

Rogue? Why would I be thinkin' about Rogue? What d'ya mean? What are you implying? [nervous chuckle – eyes dart to door]

~She's the only member you've not mentioned~

She's...? Ah. Well, y'know, she's...uh... good in a fight. Yeah. An' she can drink Hank under the table. And she's doin' well on the team these days, which is good 'cause no one fills out that suit quite like her... uh... heh heh... not that I've thought about it of course. Next question.

~Ok. If there is one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?~

Seriously? That's a question? Look at me bub. [Takes off shirt to reveal muscled wifebeater clad chest...] If you were me, would you change anythin'?

~*Swoons*~

I thought not.

~Even your hair?~

...?

[blinks several times]

[then scowls]

...What's wrong with my hair?

~ ...Uh... nothing...~

*growls*

~Just that Queen C86 wants to know why it's that shape?~

Because it looks DAMN good, that's why! I didn't sleep on it funny, I didn't stick my fingers in a plug socket as a kid, it just grows naturally that way, that's all.

...With the help of some gel.

...Lots of gel.

~O-kaaay, well let's move on to our next question shall we? This is also from Queen C86: 'How does the length of your claws compare to other parts of your body?'~

Are you implying somethin'?

~uh... *squeeks*...no...~

Was that a subtle way of askin' me how big my dick is? Let's put it this way bub, I'm equally talented in all departments – gottit? Good. Don't wanna have to be doin' some damn demonstration or anythin'. What you gonna ask me next? To take off my clothes an' show ya?

~...Weelll...~

Tough. I ain't takin' off anythin'.

~*pouts*~

Stop poutin'. Next Question.

~*rolls eyes* Ok. Well, seeing as we're on the subject, this one comes from Remaining Anonymous~

Who?

~Remaining Anonymous~

Huh?

~Re-... It's her name, alright?~

She wants her name to remain anonymous?

~No, that *is* her name~

What the fuck? This is some messed up interview. You don't even know who you're talkin' about.

~[Mutters: *men*] Annnnyway... She has heard that there are 'rumours that you often go commando under your X-uniform, and everyday clothes as well. Is that true and if so, why?'~

See previous answer bub.

~What?~

I'm talented. In all the right places. It's more comfy, it's goddamn easy access-

~...And the ensuing manliness inspires more fantasies therefore increasing merchandise sales?~

Huh?

~Never mind~

You got any questions about anythin' but my dick?

~Uhhh...~

Whatever. Roll on the next.

~Well this one comes from Wolf CrescentWalker: 'In light of your regenerating mutation, can you explain how you happen to be circumcised?'~

What?...WHAT? Who've you been talkin' to? Is it Scott?

~Why, of all people, *Scott*?~

Because... heh... [shifts about in seat]. Never mind. It's a lie. I deny everythin'. I was never there.

~You were never 'where'?~

Next question.

~But is it true? The circumcision?~

*mumbles*

~What was that?~

Yes. There. Happy now?

~But... *how*?~

How the hell should *I* know? It's not like I remember it happening or anythin'... thank God. Past is a big blank, remember? Chuck has this theory that 'cause it was before my mutation manifested, and it had healed, my body didn't consider it an injury. So it didn't need to heal.

~You've discussed your...er...parts... with Charles Xavier?~

Next question. Now. *Scowls*

~Ok, ok. Cassandra Lee wants to know: 'What do you think about friends with benefits? You know...what some call 'fuck buddies'?'~

Y'mean friends you get to... y'know [makes unsubtle hand gesture]. Hell yeah! I mean... it would depend on the friend of course. I'm not really up for... Hank... or Scooter... but...

~Rogue?~

Yeah. I could do Rogue. Uh, I mean, we could, I mean... Fuck. No I don't mean *fuck* as in y'know... though that would be nice. I meant it as in 'damn'. Oh fuckit.

~Next question?~

*Sighs* Yeah.

~'If you could do anything in the bedroom with any woman of your choice who and what would it be?' That one's from Shadowlady.~

Anythin'? With anyone? [Scratches sideburns in thought for a moment] Could it involve handcuffs? Ice cream?

~I guess so~

A mirror?

~Yep~

Well in that case I'd make 'em beg me.

~For what?~

For a little move I like to call 'the wolvester'.

~What's the... the *what*?~

If you don't know, I aint tellin' ya.

~With who, though? That was part of the question too~

*mumbles*

~What was that?~

M'rie

~Huh?~

Marie ok? MARIE. *sulks*

~You gonna ask her out~

No.

~Why not?~

She's too young. Too... too... perfect...

~and totally hot on you~

[oblivious] ...too... pure, too good...

~you're all she wants for Christmas~

[*still* oblivious]...too gorgeous, too... huh?

~Let me spell it out for you. She wants. To have. Your babies.~

She what? Who told you that?

~I have my sources~

You...? She said...?

~Yep~

Oh.

[Considers this for a moment, then picks up leather jacket and quickly exits the building.]