He's tearing me apart.

It's not deliberate, in fact he probably doesn't even know he's doing it, but the fact that it isn't done on purpose doesn't stop the tearing. Sometimes I think it makes it worse, or at least *feel* worse, because he doesn't know. He hasn't noticed, in all this time, he simply doesn't see what he's doing to me.

When he first got back, things were different than they are now. He was... content, I think. It was like that urge to run, to be on the move, had dissipated, or perhaps run it's course. He looked so free, and I envied him that, because I wanted it for myself, and it was the one thing no one could give me, another goal no one could help me to achieve.

We spent time together, so much time that I began to build dreams around him, castles in the sky. And as with most castles built on clouds, eventually the mist evaporated and the walls collapsed. And buried me beneath the rubble.

---

Their relationship began to crumble, I could see it, we all could, and I could give a thousand reasons why and still not come close to the truth. Because when it comes down to it, I don't know why; I don't understand their relationship, or them, how they interact, who they are when they're together. Even who they are when they're apart. They're the pillars of strength for us, what's beneath that I couldn't say.

Perhaps don't want to, because evaluating them means evaluating the situation, and that involves appraising who I am, what I'm worth. Maybe I just don't want to admit how little is there, how much less there is to love now than the girl who first arrived here so many eons ago.

And as much as I'd like to forget who, what, I am, I can't, because whenever I close my eyes I can see it; emotions swirling around like darkened colours in my head, as though everything meant to be pastel had been tainted by shades of blood.

Thinking back, I realize that nothing ever happens as we expect it to. There were no shuddering earthquakes, no blustering blizzards, only the quiet, insidious beginning of the end.

It started innocently enough of course, as most things do, but quickly escalated and became something else entirely; something that wasn't fun and wasn't innocent and hurt everyone involved, and even those who weren't.

And I stood back and watched it happen.

It wasn't that I didn't understand what was happening, couldn't comprehend the subtle nuances of it all, of course I could. I may be a runaway from Mississippi, but I still have a brain and, far more relevant, I still have a heart.

Though right now that's a debatable point.

I watched Scott and Jean break apart, and Logan and Jean come together in a hot flurry of passion and jealousy and guilt, detached as a watcher, a recorder of history.

Only a watcher I am not, I can barely claim to be a member of the human race anymore; not because of anything I've done, but rather what *they've* done, and who I've become because of it.

I could feel my heart slow down whenever they walked into a room together, slow 'til it almost stopped, and when they kissed in front of me, I wished it would. I prayed for death, prayed for it like Moses prayed for Manna, only my God didn't hand me an easy solution; in fact, He doesn't appear to have received the message at all.

So instead of dying physically, of my own free will, Logan and Jean and Scott and the Professor are killing me slowly, softly and not deliberately, with kisses and shouts and anger instead of knives and bullets.

Which is more damaging is difficult to determine, at least by me. Not when I'm avoiding Logan and he doesn't even notice, not when I snipe at Jean and she brushes it off as teenage hormones, not when I scream mentally at the Professor and he interprets it as another personality taking over in my head.

I'm being torn apart, and all they can say is that everything will be all right, as though my life is a fairytale, or a nightmare that will soon be over.

But I know the truth, and I know that no matter how hard they pretend -- how hard *I* pretend -- there is no happy ending in sight.

---

You Look So Fine -- Garbage

You look so fine

I want to break your heart
And give you mine
You're taking me over

It's so insane
You've got me tethered and chained
I hear your name
And I'm falling over

I'm not like all the other girls
I can't take it like the other girls
I won't share it like the other girls
That you used to know

You look so fine

Knocked down
Cried out
Been down just to find out
I'm through
Bleeding for you

I'm open wide
I want to take you home
We'll waste some time
You're the only one for me

You look so fine
I'm like the desert tonight
Leave her behind
If you want to show me

I'm not like all the other girls
I won't take it like the other girls
I won't fake it like the other girls
That you used to know

You're taking me over
Over and over
I'm falling over
Over and over

You're taking me over
Drown in me one more time
Hide inside me tonight
Do what you want to do
Just pretend happy end
Let me know let it show

Ending with letting go [3x]
Let's pretend, happy end [4x]