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Reviewer: Phoenix Fire Signed star star star star star [Report This]
Date: 06/21/2007 3:42:28 PM Title: Chapter 16

That is just cruel.. how could you leave it there? I need more, MORE I tell you!!
I like it, its really good. I loved the bit with Logan and the bike that kept taking camping trips with Marie. But you know you have to post more of it, like now. Right now.

Author's Response: Just for you, PF, do I add a new chapter! Well, not really, you just happened to demand a new chappie just as I was finishing up my mutant research; but go ahead and lay claim to getting me off my butt if ya wanna - I won't tell anybody different!

Reviewer: Wolf CrescentWalker Signed star star star star [Report This]
Date: 05/12/2007 3:21:01 AM Title: Chapter 16

OMG! Cliffhanger to the max.

Author's Response: OMG!! Are you, like, in Calif, WolfCW?? I haven't heard "to the max" since Hi School! (early 80's!) And I'm soooo not goin' back there!

Reviewer: Gamma meta Signed [Report This]
Date: 05/11/2007 9:23:46 PM Title: Chapter 16

What?! How could you do that to me? AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

*huffs* Fine. End it on a cliffhanger. See if I care. :P

The emotion in this one was really honest, and Marie & Logan here are so alike. They're both a lot of bluster and bark on the surface but soft and hesitant underneath. It's so sweet. I also think you made a strategically good decision by putting the humor at the front of the fic but dropping it as the emotions ran deeper and became more sweet. Also technically (although I am eyeing you narrowly), the cliffhanger worked well at the end because it offset some of the sweetness.

Small quibble: I know it's common, especially in X-men fic. But it's usually not necessary to do use symbols for thoughts in any fic. There are ways of writing thoughts so it is obvious who has them (the symbols don't provide that information anyway), and it becomes part of your writing style. Symbols can be distracting.

However, you did have a complicated POV situation for this fic, and maybe that's why you decided to use them. You not only switched from his POV to hers you also included third person omniscient here: Sure, they were good friends, hung out together, shared lots of good times. He knew she worried over him like a mother hen, but couldnít see anything beyond that. Even when everyone in the mansion knew, if you messed with one you were messing with them both. This fact was one of the first things new residents were informed of, right after the grand tour and before room assignment. This is information known neither to Marie nor Logan. And...the changing POVs make this chapter a little awkward. (It's all understandable, just a little choppy.) I actually think there's a way to convey this information without resorting to a third person omniscient's voice, because it's not beyond belief that Logan or Rogue could be aware of their own reputations. Or that some other behavior could indicate their close but undefined relationship.

But those are just small things - easily fixed. (And a beta would also help with other small things like typos and tense changes and run-ons.)

These were my favorite lines:
Marie, ya know Iím not comfortable with letting my emotions out, Ďcause when I do, they always seem to be bad ones, and they end up just flooding out, uncontrolled.
aw...and so true for Logan, IMO.

Logan begins to noticeably tense, he suddenly canít or wonít meet Marieís eyes, a faded spot on his jeans is all at once, more interesting to him, and receives almost all his attention and concentration.
Love that moment. Such a contrast to what went before that the heart skips. :D

Also - 'tizzy', 'Toastmaster Master of Ceremonies', and 'hellbent on the destruction of my room'? *lol*

Author's Response: So glad you liked this chappie, GM. I hemmed and hawed for a week, reading and re reading it, deciding if I couldn't end it a different way. I'm really glad it got to you! I was afraid it was gonna end up corny, with the other cliffies I did.

Yeah, the POVs are what drove me the most nuts I think. I had so much I wanted to put in here, and I totally suck at trying to get out of third person (see my 'Words Unspoken' duet). I tried to do just dialogue, like I did in the middle of chapter 10, but I just couldn't get it to my liking. I honestly thought about dropping you a line and asking if you'd look it over. I'd be very curious about your ideas for dropping the third person. Did I have a lot of typos? I try hard to catch them all. And yeah, run-ons, I'm probably the run-on queen!

This isn't the end of the story, I'm planning on at least one more chapter - the 'happily ever after' chappie! *grin*

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