The Wolverine & Rogue Fanfiction Archive
Barely Legal Since 2000
You have a wonderful way with dialogue. You do a great job of making the characters sound like themselves and you give them clever things to say.
What's not so wonderful is that in your excitement to describe a given scene, you forget that we as readers can't see inside your head. You know which 'she' is which in the cage match, because you are watching it in your head as you write it. But we don't see what you see. We have to rely on your words to tell us who is doing what to whom, so it would be fantastic if you could find a way to identify the characters. It could be as simple as using their names -- or descriptions in 'blondy's' case -- more often instead of just the pronouns.
And as for 'sweet cheeks'...I think you're hinting here that the guy in the bar is the same guy with the whip at the end. Nice twist, but unless he's some kind of shape-shifter, wouldn't Rogue have recognized him at the pool table?
I don't mean to sound critical; I am enjoying the story. I just wish I didn't have to work quite so hard to keep everything straight. --Wendie
I get the reason for her sticking with Victor now...but I'm not sure I see what he gets out of it. I liked that she was strong enough after Logan touched her that she could carry Logan to the med lab, but the outfit and the tattoo were a bit much. How long was Logan unconscious? A detailed tat like that takes several hours to do and it don't come cheap. How'd she find a tattoo artist and where'd she get the money? Besides all that, if she truly had his healing factor, her body would have pushed out the ink and healed over the thousands of puncture wounds that created the picture anyway.
Twists and turns in the plot are great, but you have to keep the characters believable, even within the wondrous world of all things 'X'.
If I could, I'd also like to suggest you find someone to beta read for you. The story concept is great, but the way you use pronouns tends to be confusing. Especially when Rogue grabbed Victor...the 'he' and 'she' left me wondering who was doing what to whom, particularly before Victor said something about 'before it wears off', meaning his power that she absorbed from him. A beta reader would catch those things and help you fix them before you posted your chapter for general consumption. I would volunteer to beta for you, but my plate is very full right now. Either way, good luck with this...and I will keep reading. --Wendie
LOL gawd I love her new 'tude.
Author's Response: thanks. im making it like, she takes on mo of their personality, but with wolverine its going to stick mo. only it will be a lil on the female side of him....wait and see. and the new chap im working on is bad ass and will have you falling in love with her even more. that should be up in another day or later tonightrnrn
But if she is with Victor how can she end up with Logan? Without too much dead bodies around i mean. Oh you little plot maker. Noe I'm hooked.
Author's Response: im going to make so many twists and turns. im writing the next chapter now and trust me, you going to love it. there will be more info on Victor and Rogue and Logan and her are going to start to talk and hit it off. its gonna b greatrn
I think you have an interesting twist using Victor in the original protector role, and I'm interested to see where this story goes.
I am however having a hard time following your story because you have a tendency to use 'him' and 'he' instead of names... you need to put more name tags with your descriptions or they won't make sense to an outside reader (or they will make sense, but I have to read it over several times to get it). It can be really hard to follow who is who... and then as a reader I lose focus. :(
Hope to see more! I don't want to discourage you! I always hate giving critical feedback, but it will improve your writing a lot. And if you are posting stories...I assume you love writing, and it's always good to improve our skills. :) You have a good plot going, so good luck!!
Author's Response: thanks for telling me. im going to go back through it and keep that in mindrn
OK, I'm interested. What is Sabertooth doing alone in the woods with a young virginal female? He saved her life and almost died...sounds like something another feral we all know and love has done a time or two...which is probably why Wolverine spared his life this time. Her pleading for his life reminds me of Pocahontas and John Smith...
I'll be interested to see who has feelings for whom and if loyalties shift because of those feelings...
Write on. --Wendie
Author's Response: thanks for reading. and im soooo going to throw twists in it. im writing the next chap now. i will put it up in a few so look out for itrn