Hi there,

This is a lovely effort for a first fic. You've got lots of passion and angst and emotion in here, and a little more attention to dialogue and rhythm have easily taken this from good to excellent. Have a look at your punctuation, too, as this is crucial for readability.

One thought on songfics. They're great as a source of inspiration, but I personally find lyrics spliced into the body of the story very distracting. I tend to quote a few relevant lines at the beginning, and then put the full story at the end (the way you have). It's usually enough, because we're interested in what you have to say, not the songwriter!

Good effort for your first, and make sure to keep writing!

Author's Response: thanks for the suggestions, still trying to work out the kinks on punctuation. I'll keep it in mind for the next fic.