For a first attempt, this really has some spectacular imagery.

In particular, I liked: Then, suddenly, he was crushing her hard against him, his kisses bruising in their power, wild in their unleashed urgency.

and: Her tongue met his in a jumbled thrust-and-parry that sent hot, wet waves surging through her body.

Overall, the scene didn't quite set me on fire like some others have, but it was very sweet and tender and well-written. --Wendie