Bill and Ted's X-cellent Adventure
Summary: Bill and Ted take the phone booth to see what the future would be like if Wyld Stallyns had broken up.
Notes: There is no excuse for this, but I'm happy to be in a silly mood. It's been a while. This is set right after Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and about three years after X-Men: The Movie.
"Dude," Bill said when he saw his dark-haired friend leave the police station. "You got it set up?"
"Totally. The garbage cans are ready for our most outstanding jailbreak," Ted answered, joining his friend next to the phone booth.
"Excellent," Bill said. Then, he and Ted performed a simultaneous, though short air guitar performance.
"That's everything," Bill said, stepping into the phone booth and opening up the book. "Your dad's keys, the tape recording, and the trash cans. We can go home and start band practice with the princess babes."
"Wait, dude." Ted said, putting his hand on the phone before Bill could pick up the receiver and start dialing. "I've been thinking."
"'Bout what, Ted?"
"You know how Rufus said if I went to that bogus military academy, it'd breakup Wyld Stallyns?"
"Totally. A most heinous notion."
"Dad talked to me before we left this morning."
"Dude, he was ragging on you again, wasn't he?"
"You're so right. He was saying how if I didn't go, I'd never learn responsibility and I'd never amount to anything."
"Ted, you are so repeating his words. You know what Rufus told us. Dude, we even went to the future. You know how excellent everything turns out."
"I know, but Dad always makes me feel so totally bogus. I wonder if there's anyway we could find out for sure how egregiously wrong the future would be if I went to military school. I mean, do we, like, prevent a world war or something?"
"I dunno, dude, but I don't want you to go to that school just so we can find out."
"No, Bill. I mean, like, using the booth."
"Awesome idea, dude. Lemme check the phone book."
Bill flipped through the pages for a few minutes before he concluded, "This thing's only for the past."
"But the booth went to the future, we were there."
"Yeah, dude, but that was an accident."
"Hmm... Let's ask Rufus!"
"Yeah, Rufus'll know."
Bill picked up the receiver and reached with his other hand for the number pad before he stopped. "What's his number?"
"I don't know, dude. Isn't he in the book?"
"Oh, yeah." Bill scanned the phone directory before turning to the front and finding the help numbers. "Dude, let's call the operator and ask."
"Good thinking, dude."
Bill typed in the number and instead of triggering a time-travel event, a woman's bored voice came on the line.
"Operator, how may I help you?"
"Babe, I have to get a most needed number for Rufus."
"Full name, date, and location, please."
Bill cupped his hand over the receiver. "Bill, what's Rufus' last name."
"I'm clueless, dude."
Bill removed his hand and said, "It's just Rufus. He lives in your time. Don't you know Rufus?"
"I'm sorry. I cannot give you the proper number without full name, date, and location."
"Well, what about the future? Can we get a phone book for the future."
"Future probabilities are infinite. There is no printed directory. Give me the criteria of the scenario, and I'll look up the number."
It took ten minutes before the operator got the information she needed so Bill could dial them to Ted's probable future after military school. Bill typed it in before he could forget, and the phone booth traveled a bumpy, multi-connected path through time streams before finally landing on a vast, manicured lawn.
There were children in small and large groups throughout the area playing a variety of games, but when the phone booth set down, they quickly turned and fled to the only building in view, a mansion standing regally in the center of the grounds,
"Don't run away, little dudes," Ted called to them. "Bill and I aren't gonna do anything heinous."
They ignored him, but before the last few children entered the mansion, a small group of adults came running out in almost identical leather outfits. They sped towards Bill and Ted, not stopping until they were within a few feet.
There were five of them: three women and two men. Of the women, only one, a woman with brown skin and white hair, seemed truly threatening. Her eyes turned opaque white at the same time storm clouds started to gather in the sky, as if they were responding to her commands. The other two women took fighting stances, but the only unusual thing about them was that the younger one with white-streaked hair wasn't wearing gloves, Of the men, one held a hand up to his red, eye-covering visor while the other released three, nine-inch metal claws from both hands.
Ted stared at the man's claws as if hypnotized, but Bill held up his hands and started talking.
"Whoa, dudes and babes. We're cool. We totally didn't mean to make you freak out."
"Who are you?" the red-visored man asked. "Where did you come from?"
"We're from the past, royal, red-eyed dude." Bill held one hand to his chest while spreading the other arm wide. "I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire."
Ted didn't respond to his cue to introduce himself, instead continuing to stare at the clawed man. Bill shifted his stance and nudged Ted with his elbow, causing Ted to turn his attention to him.
Bill looked at Ted and then at the people standing in front of them before looking back at Ted moving his arms to indicate their position. Then, he whispered with an encouraging nod, "I'm Ted 'Theodore'..."
Ted got the hint and mirrored Bill's posture, declaring, "I'm Ted 'Theodore' Logan, and together we're..." Bill joined with him in saying, "Wyld Stallyns." Then, both of them starting playing energetic air guitars.
The leather-garbed people lowered their guard looking at the dancing duo and then at each other in confusion.
"You're from the past," the visored man said, skepticism dripping from his voice. "All right, what year?"
"1989, red-eyed dude. We came forward to find out what would happen to T..."
"You," Ted said, pointing at the man who'd just sheathed his claws.
"Dude," Bill said. "You sure? He's got your excellent, wild hair, but the dude has claws."
Ted lifted his arm and unsheathed three, eight-inch bone claws.
"Whoa, mega righteous, dude. How come you never told me you had those?"
Ted opened his mouth to answer his friend, but his counterpart stepped forward and grabbed his arm, looking at the claws more closely before growling, "How did you get these?"
Ted shrugged his shoulders. "I'm a mutant, other-Ted dude. One day, my dad was yelling at me and they totally came out."
"No way," Bill said.
"Yes way, dude. It was so heinous. That's why Dad wanted me to go to that school. He didn't want a freaking mutant in his house."
"Bogus. Why didn't you tell me, dude?"
"Wait a second," the white-streaked woman said as she pulled on her gloves. "Are you saying that you and Logan are the same person?"
"Totally, beautiful future babe," Ted answered nodding at the woman who now held the arm of his future self.
"Hey," Logan said, pointing a single, shining claw at Ted. "You are not me. There's no way you're me."
"Dude," Ted began before he was interrupted by the visored man.
"Logan, you were like so, totally, a valley guy when you were a kid."
"Stow it, Summers," Logan growled before turning and stalking toward the mansion, the white-streaked woman following close behind.
"Dude," Bill said, watching him leave in a huff. "Was it something we said?"
"I can't believe it," the man who'd introduced himself as Scott Summers said. "Logan used to be worse than Jubilee."
"Jubilee?" Bill asked. "You mean like a party, dude?" He looked at Ted and they both said, "Excellent."
Scott, Jean, and Ororo looked at each other and burst out laughing.
Ororo was the first to stifle her giggling enough to ask a question. "But if you're from the past, why come here? Why now?"
"Well, goddess babe, Ted wanted to know what would happen if Wyld Stallyns broke up. I mean, there's no way that'll happen now thanks to Rufus, but..."
Ted interrupted. "I just wanted to see how heinous my future would be, but I'm living in a mansion with beautiful, leather-wearing babes."
"Yeah, but they're not, like, enlightened dude. They don't have our totally righteous music." He turned to the again snickering trio. "Your Ted doesn't even play his guitar, does he?"
"Logan?" Scott laughed. "No."
"But future-Ted does sing for you, right?" Ted asked. "He didn't totally turn his back on his most excellent art."
This question just caused the three to laugh harder. Bill turned to his friend.
"Let's go ask other-Ted what happened to him. These babes and dude aren't helping at all."
"Logan, this is your chance. You can find out all about your past."
"I don't care if the kid has claws, Marie, he ain't me. There's no way I ever talked like that, and ain't no one gonna call me 'Ted.'"
"Dude," Bill called through the door. "We just wanna talk to you for a few minutes."
"Fine," Logan said, stomping to the door and flinging it open. "Three minutes and then you get in that phone booth of yours and disappear."
"Thanks, other-Ted, I just wanted..." Ted began, but Logan interrupted him.
"Don't call me that. My name is Logan or Wolverine. Not Ted."
"Ok, like chill, dude. Logan." Ted said, holding his hands up in surrender. "I just wanted to know what your life was like in that totally bogus military school and what happened to ya afterwards."
Logan growled but didn't answer. Marie put her hand on his shoulder, and when he turned to her, she seemed to look at him with an expression that asked his permission. Logan nodded.
Marie turned to Bill and Ted and said, "Logan doesn't remember his life past 18 years ago."
"Bogus, dude." Bill breathed. "Like, what year is it now?"
"2020," Marie answered.
"Dude, how old are you now?" Bill asked looking at Ted. "Your birthday's October 12, 1971, and it's 2020."
"Forty-eight," Marie answered quickly. "Almost forty-nine."
"Ted," Bill said, looking at his friend. "You're, like, ancient." Then he looked at Logan. "Why don't you look ancient, Logan dude?"
"I heal," Logan said, somewhat dazed to have finally found out his true age. "It's part of my mutation."
"Excellent," Bill said.
"Look, not that I believe you or anything, but where are you from?" Logan asked. "Who's your family?"
"Dude," Bill said. "We live in only the most righteous city in the world. San Dimas, California."
"California?" Logan asked, turning to Marie with a confused expression. "But I'm Canadian."
"No way. You were born and raised in San Dimas," Ted said.
"Ted," Bill interjected. "Maybe you ran away from military school and moved to Canada like those dudes with the long, stringy hair and totally uncool music."
"No, dude. Yippies."
"Hippies," Marie corrected. "And there somehow, someone found out about your mutation and captured you."
"Babe," Ted said. "What do you mean captured?"
Logan unsheathed the claws from his right arm. "Don't you wonder why mine are metal while yours are bone? They covered my entire skeleton with this damned stuff."
"Bogus," Bill and Ted said in unison.
"Why, dude?" Ted asked.
"I don't know. Probably to make me into some sort of weapon."
"Look, I don't know who you are or where you come from, but mutants aren't all that popular here. We're hated and feared. Xavier's school exists to protect and educate mutants that have been abandoned or worse, but it also is the secret base of the X-Men."
"X-Men? 'X'-cellent." Bill said, laughing at his own joke.
"This isn't a game," Logan barked, causing Bill to stop laughing. "We were training when you dropped in here. Why else would we have come running out of the school in our uniforms and exposed who we are? There's a war coming between mutants and humans, and we're here to stop it."
"Dude," Bill said to his friend. "Rufus was so right. If Wyld Stallyns breaks up, the world won't come into harmony because of our excellent music and there will be a war."
"Bill, we've gotta go home and start practicing." Ted stood up. " Bye, Logan, dude. Bye beautiful future babe. Sorry I won't get to meet you."
"Wait!" Logan said, shoving Ted into the wall and pinning him there. "What did you mean by that?"
"We're going home, dude. This isn't our real future. We've already changed it. I just wanted to see what this one would be like."
"You're gonna change things so Marie and I don't meet?" Logan asked before growling and clamping a hand over Ted's throat.
"It's already changed, dude," Bill said, trying to pull Logan off his friend. "We're leaving."
"Not if you're gonna keep Marie away from me."
"Logan," Marie said. "Let him go."
"Marie, you heard what he said."
"If you kill him, you kill yourself. If you're dead, Magneto kills me."
"But... Dammit!" Logan said before releasing Ted.
Ted slumped to the floor gasping for air before he managed to say, "That was... bogus, dude."
"You listen to me," Logan said, pointing a claw at Ted. "Look at her face."
Ted raised his head and looked at Marie.
"Memorize it," Logan commanded. "If you ever see her anywhere, don't let her go. She's the best thing you could possibly have in your life."
Ted was going to argue that he already had a girlfriend, a princess no less, but then he saw Logan's face and thought better of it.
"I got it, dude. I got it. Let us go." Ted said.
Then, he and Bill left the room and hurried out of the mansion and back to the phone booth. Bill dialed the proper number, but it wasn't until they arrived safely in San Dimas that they could finally breathe easy.
Wyld Stallyns had just finished the week's concert, broadcast worldwide to bring excellence to the populace. Ted was energized, and couldn't wait for the party that night. He said goodbye to Bill, Joanna, and Elizabeth, the other members of the world's most popular band, and headed for his dressing room.
He and Joanna had been an item for the first few months of the band's existence, but they had long ago decided to just be good friends. She would be celebrating her 26th wedding anniversary to Tom, the group's agent, in the spring. Bill, on the other hand, had married Elizabeth after a year of dating, and they had just emptied their nest with the college departure of 'Tallica. Ted was the only single member of the group. He wanted to settle down, but the only women he met were fans who wanted his stage persona, not the real him.
Ted changed clothes and donned his large jacket, hat, and sunglasses in the hopes that he wouldn't be recognized before sneaking out the front entrance, avoiding the stage doors where all the fans were waiting.
He caught a cab, but halfway through the ride, decided he really didn't want to go to his empty home and didn't have any other place to be before the party. He told the cabbie just to let him off at the next corner.
The street was fenced by multi-story business offices, but on the corner stood a small, clean deli. Since it was midafternoon, both the street and the deli were almost deserted.
Ted opened the deli's door, triggering the bell. A brown-haired woman behind the counter left her stool and set down her paperback, saying in a friendly voice, "How may I help you?"
For a long moment, Ted just stared at her. It was the woman from the future sans her white streaks. The woman his future self had made him promise to look for. He'd almost forgotten that long ago promise, but now, as he looked into her kind eyes, he remembered.
He ordered a sandwich and asked her to join him, since there were no other customers. As they talked and laughed, Ted swore the second time in his life to keep that promise he'd made so long ago, and when he smiled at Marie with hope in his eyes, she smiled back.
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